On the Changes of Spring

Tonight has a dull ache to it.  Tonight is the sort of night that is too rich with nostalgia to take in.  It's like all of the moments that have happened over the past year are slowly raining down around me.  All I feel I can do is stand out in it all and hope some of them happen to dwell on me for just a while.

I have had a swell time at APU.  I have certainly learned, if only how to BS papers well enough to pass.  And I have certainly had a good amount of fun.

There are a lot of things I regret here, though.  For starters, I would have come here as a Freshman had I known the potential glories of four-year friendships and the unbelievable blessing of not having transfer credits.  I would not have worried so much about romantic relationships (the inevitable downfall of all-too-many Christian college students).  And so on.

But it is not wise to dwell on such things.  I have lived the life I have lived; not another exists.  I am who I have become.  I must remember to have a thankful heart as time goes on.  Thankfulness can remedy regret.  Thankfulness breeds hope.

Thus, I sit here on my couch, home alone, reminiscing. With the sliding door open, I can hear the occasional car pass by, doors opening and closing, and neighbors having final conversations before parting ways.  All sounds of the changing time.

I have too many feelings, it seems.  What I wouldn't give to remain in this night for ages.  Though it is all over, tonight still seems to be a part of it.  The moments seem to live on in this place.  The love, fun, seriousness, sentimentality, carelessness, responsibility, community, drama, excitement, nervousness, celebration, mischief, laughter, spirituality, etc. all live on within these walls, this atmosphere.

But tonight brings change.  Tomorrow, people leave.  Tomorrow, friendships end.  Tomorrow, people who have cared deeply for each other for a long time will say their last goodbyes.  (Hopefully it is not so with many, but it will certainly be so with some).  Tomorrow, these experiences are either committed to memory or lost forever.

It almost brings me to tears.  I suppose it would, but I have had trouble crying well over the past few years.  Perhaps I am losing less than others are.  I have only been the additional friend to many groups here.  I have no true best friend from which I am being torn, only a large amount of steady friends.  Maybe that is the reason I am not brought to tears.

Nevertheless,

Tonight has a dull ache to it.  I cannot pinpoint the hurt, though I do not believe I should be able to.  I wish I could spend more time with these people.  I wish I could invest more into the people I love here.  But it is ending.  And I am left with only that which I have already done.

Is it possible to come away from something like this thinking that it has all been fulfilled?  Is it possible not to think about what one could have done better, changed, or done more of?

Whatever the case,  I ache.

I ache to have more time.  I ache to hold those I have not held long enough.  I ache to profess affection for those who have not heard it enough.  I want to dwell on Cougarwalk one more time- on a weekday afternoon, under the warm sunlight, listening to everyone enjoy each other and life together.  I want to soak in the life this place has to offer.  I want to breathe it in.

I ache, I ache.  I am fairly good at living in the moment, but even so they slip quickly through my fingertips.

I suppose my conclusion has yet to arrive.  I began writing this only to channel my heart's weariness into something.  I mean only to ease my own hurt.  I apologize if I have wasted someone's time.

There's a verse in Ecclesiastes (5:20) that says, "He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with the gladness of his heart."

I think I've lived into this verse fairly well this year.  I seldom reflect on how things once were because I like what I've got going for me now.  However, this is one of those seldom times.  Tonight is certainly dedicated to reflection.  Soon, I imagine, I will go back to living in the moment.

But for now.

For now I will soak in that dull ache.  Because hurting for something meaningful is worthwhile.  This ache means that all of this was real.  All of the moments I will miss were moments worth dwelling on.  There is simply too much to take in.

I do not want to go to sleep tonight for fear of losing everything I hold dear in this place.

Everything is going to change.  Everything I know will soon be pulled out from under me.  And in anticipation of that transition, I ache.

Roseville

Today was a slow day for the most part. I woke up, read a chapter in 1 Corinthians, went for a run, and sat around a bit. I watched an episode of Scrubs. And Skyped with a few friends.

Around 3 I went out and bought some art pencils. I'm pretty satisfied with that purchase. I drew a bit of a self-portrait earlier. A few people approved, but like always, I'm my own worst critic.

I watched some more TV via Netflix (possibly the most convenient thing available these days) and decided it was time to eat dinner. Since I'd had a slow day, I'd had it in my mind to watch the sunset this evening. I got some Carl's Jr. and headed wherever my car would take me. After all, being new to Roseville, I don't know the good sunset spots.

I found one after a considerably small amount of driving. My sanctuary stood firmly at the top of the Westfield Mall parking structure. Level 5. I stood and caught the sun just as it covered itself with the blanket of the horizon.

The next 20 to 30 minutes were amazing. It was like a conversation between God and I. The longer I stood there, the more beautiful the sunset became. God was passionately telling me of His Love, and I was all ears.

Though I've noticed plenty of beauty here before, tonight taught me a lot about Roseville. For the first time since I got here, I stood and let God render me speechless. Minute after minute the sunset became more and more breathtaking. And I kept thinking it would be over the minute after. But it didn't end quickly. It just got prettier and prettier until I could barely turn my eyes away.

The awesome thing about sunsets is that each one brings me a different Word. Each one is like a sermon tailored specifically to my needs. When I need peace, He speaks of Peace. When I need love, He speaks of Love.

Lately I've needed something I can't put my finger on, and tonight He spoke of it. Not to say I know exactly what I need yet, but tonight God let me know that things will turn out alright. And not just alright; they'll turn out more beautiful than I'll ever imagine them to be. I just need to do my thing, whilst never forgetting to watch the Beautiful work He is doing all around me.

When the mall closed, I drove down the structure slowly. I watched as the sunset disappeared faster and faster as I descended. I turned my iPod to an old Switchfoot song that got in my head. I went over to the Fountains to try to read, but there were gnats or something that kept landing on me. So I didn't stay long. However momentary my stay, I paid a lot of attention to the soft summer air. Despite the bugs that kept landing on me, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of the night.

It's nights like these that I find the most purpose and Hope. I can't help but feel more alive with every breath. And I can't stop thinking about looking into the vastness of the sunset, and feeling God stir my heart.

God moved in my heart tonight. He gave me a taste of truly Abundant Life, and now I want to chase it and Him even more. Roseville, I'll do my best to help you see and hear what I do.

Tonight I'll sleep well, knowing that life is God's poetry, and every moment is more profound and lovely than the last.

Delivered. (John 9:1-7)

I apologize to anyone who takes the time to read this. It's a primitive description at best. Take everything with a grain of salt. Enjoy the symbolism. I didn't make any of it up. Some of you may want to know more. Feel free to ask. I may or may not be able to answer you. But this is what I've got for now:



I've had an interesting week. Or few weeks. Maybe months. It depends on how far back you're willing to look, I guess.

At the beginning of this semester, I was in a very dark place. It was early January. Depression was sneaking back up on me. I was looking to the wrong things for my confidence. I was confused about life, and relationships, and myself. My heart wasn't on the right track. It was hurting, and I didn't know how to heal it. I didn't even know what was wrong with it.

I don't want to overplay this. Dramatic is the last thing I want to be right now. But it all came to a point one night.

Before a Kaleo chapel on the first or second Wednesday night, I sat in the Prayer chapel alone for a while. I prayed as much as I could. And I wrote.

I'd been listening a lot of Listener around that time (unfamiliar with Listener? Youtube seatbelt hands or wooden heart), so the poem I ended up with was wild, passionate, and appropriate to my thoughts at the time. It explained how I felt, to me, at least, if anyone.

It's closing lines were the easiest to write. This may be because they were the only ones I was so sure of. Ironically enough, that would be because they explained that I wasn't sure of anything. I didn't save the poem, but they went something like:

'Maybe he's blindfolded, maybe he's closing his eyes, or maybe it's actually night. Or maybe he's actually blind, and all he needs is a saint to come spit in the dirt, and rub some Hope into his eyes.'

And that's how it was. I felt so lost I couldn't even sing the songs at Kaleo without feeling this darkness come over me and make my chest heavy. I cried out. Instead of singing, I would be pulled down to my seat, and sit weeping and aching, asking God to deliver me.

The pain didn't even make sense. There was no reason for it. And it seemed to have no origin.

I was afraid of failure. I had been worried about what kind of a man I was going to be. I was worried about what girl I was going to marry. I was worried about where my life was going.

It was all about the future. I wasn't seeing the moment. I felt blind.

My heart was getting cold. I was watching myself get more selfish and less kind, patient, and peaceful. I hated it.

I was calling to God, but He felt so far away. I was asking Him to show me His face. But I felt so blind, I didn't believe I would see Him even if He was at the tip of my nose.



Over the next few weeks, some stuff got straightened out in my life. I've begun to invest more in the healthier relationships I have. I've been putting my heart into people that build me up. It's been something I've been trying to do for a while now.

Not to say this immediately fixed all of my problems, but I did start to see things in a more positive light. I began to get back into the Word. I asked God for the Spirit. I expressed my desire to bear It's Fruit.

God spoke slowly. But He wasn't hard to hear. (As my dear friend Mason has said, "God speaks to me through patterns. Anytime I hear something three times, I think, 'Hey, I need to listen up.'" Rough quote) I heard a lot about giving. I heard a lot about letting go of my comfort and loving people where they were formerly not being appreciated.

I heard a lot of: "Let go of your desires, and take up Mine."

And one night, I had a long talk with my friend Taylor. It was a great conversation, and it made me realize a bunch of things. I solidified a ton of thoughts about what I want in a wife. I also solidified a great deal of knowledge about who I am, and what type of man I am going to be.



After I left that night, I passed a lady on the sidewalk on the way home. She was in red, I think it might have been a peacoat. I didn't pay much attention to that. What caught my eye was the large amounts of luggage she was standing next to. Also red, the luggage seemed a bit out of place. More than one person should carry, even on a long trip. She looked as though she had just gotten off of a plane. She was standing on an Azusa sidewalk at night (not a smart place for a seemingly defenseless woman to be standing). She was standing under a streetlight. It was around midnight, so I couldn't help but notice the old-looking sunglasses she was wearing. She said hello, and I replied with the same. And I wrote the rest of her words of as meaningless. After all, there was a large chance she was just a crazy homeless lady on the street.

The next day, Mason and I sat down to have a talk. He explained how he was speaking to that lady the night before as well, on his way home. He went on about how she spoke to him the words that he most needed to hear at the moment. She had spoken to his heart, and through simple smalltalk, motivated and inspired him in fantastic ways. If you'd like to hear more on that, go ahead and ask him.

His comments about the lady made me think. It crossed my mind that he may have been speaking to an angel. Few humans are ever privileged enough to speak so deeply to each others hearts. Especially via smalltalk.

But if she was an angel, what was it that she had said to me? Had she spoken to my heart, only to find it uninterested? So I fought to remember what she said to me.

It came in one sentence. She'd faced toward the darkness along the sidewalk, where two longboarders were making their way home in the distance. She turned more toward my direction, between her and the streetlight. She had said, "I don't trust the sounds over there, so I stay under the light." I wrote it off. After all, what good is a random statement like that?

But as I thought, it seemed to linger; to echo in my mind. Mason mentioned that he thought she may have been blind. And it all seemed to make sense.

She was blind.

And she stayed under the light, because that's where she knew she was safest. She could only hear what was coming. So she stayed under the safety of the light.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks. She had spit in the dirt, made mud and rubbed it in my eyes.

The God of Peace leaned His face near mine. But I could only hear it, despite my blindness. He whispered to me, "Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. Stay under my light, and fear no more. Everything is going to work out."

And it made sense. Blind or not, I just need to stay under the light. And I will become the man I need to be.



And through tears of Joy, I can say to you now:

Yahweh is Faithful. I have been delivered.

Dryness in the Rain

It's been almost a year.

Almost a whole year.

Normally in a journal, if I get this far behind, I'll try to catch up. I'll try to fill my journal in on what has happened in the past year or however long. Consequently never getting to the point I was actually trying to make.

Luckily, this isn't a journal. And I'm not going to catch anyone up on the past year, though much has happened.

My agenda here is still unclear to me. As the past day of emotions have been unclear and unpredictable. So I will write... and we'll see where it takes me.



Due to the recent move to University, I have been, over the past few months, developing a lot of new relationships. And I've learned through those relationships more about who I want to invest in and who I want to invest in me. Just as I've always been told, "You are who you hang out with."

In spending time around new people, I've noticed, like always, I pick up little quarks that other people have. Tones that they add to their voice. Things they do with their face. Gestures. Attitudes.

I find myself saying the things that they say, and likewise. I hear more and more people saying "stenchy" all the time. I speak like those I hear.

And it scares me. Because those aren't the only ways that people rub off on me.

It makes me want to seek wise and God-fearing friends. Because those who don't live like God is the King won't help me live that way.

Being at APU has been an interesting time. I hit a large wall of complacency when I got here. And what I needed the whole time was support. Guys to tell me to suck it up and do what God wants even if I don't feel like it matters. And it wasn't until this past week or so that I found a few close guys who will be there for me and also push me towards God. And that's what I needed.

Relationships with other men provide me with something that a mentor, a disciple, or a girlfriend could ever provide me with. So I've looked. And prayed. And God is providing.

So, I've figured a few things out. Prioritized.

First and foremost, for the sake of my faith, I want to surround myself with guys who have God on their lips constantly.

Having close men my age to lift me up and speak wisdom into my life has always been huge. And without knowing it, I'd walked into the desert. I was led into a place where I was hungry (because everyone assumes everyone is getting fed). I struggled. Hungry and complacent. Lonely in the event center. Dry in an ocean.

But trusting God has been a good call. He provides.

It's plain to see now that God knew what He was doing when He led the Israelites into the desert, and then thousands of years later when He led Jesus into the desert. He chose them in both cases. And He claimed them. Then He led them into the desert (on the way to the Promised Land).

And He loved them, and provided for them, and disciplined them. In the desert.

He knew what He was doing.

And thousands of years later He still knows what He's doing as He leads me through it.


Praise be to the One who provides in the desert.

Merry Christmas' Eve's Eve.

Today has been an interesting day so far.

Mitch and I woke up around the crack of noon. We then switched off between taking showers and playing New Super Mario Brothers. World 9-7. It took about 28 lives, 20 mushrooms, and about 6 stars to pass.

Ridiculous.

Our plan for the day, among other things, was to have lunch with an old friend from Catalina. Mitch gives her directions to La Hacienda, and we head over there. When we got there, Mitch had missed a few of her calls. He called her back, and it turns out she had rear ended someone while getting off of the freeway.

Turns out our friend saw the homeless man at the end of the off ramp. She then realized, "Hey, I have some oranges I can give him!" She then reached down in front of the passenger seat to get them, thus taking her eyes off of the road. She slammed her tiny Buick into the back of a Chevy Avalanche. The hitch of the avalanche dominated the front part of her car.

Two people in the accident. Both were okay. Two cars in the accident. Or, rather, one car and a tank. The Avalanche appeared nigh unharmed.

The panhandling man at the end of the off ramp (i.e. the only witness) took off and was nowhere to be seen.

Anyways, we immediately realized a quick, "Hey!" (lunch) "Well, see you later!" was out of the question.

So her car was towed to Mitch's family's shop. We went to lunch while Mitch's dad proceeded to fix her car. When we got back, they had it running just well enough to drive. With a hilariously janky left headlight and blinker. We saw her off, and came home.

All facts taken into account, the moral of the story is: Compassion for the homeless is bad luck.

Just kidding.

But really though. Moral of the story (and every story for that matter): Accident or no accident, Jesus' Love for us is the same.

And you can take that one to the bank. Or anywhere else you'd like to go.

Roots

I totally had intentions of blogging on an (almost) daily basis. I guess I underestimated how much stuff I could distract myself with. And then when I would actually sit down to blog, I rarely completed them because I couldn't get my thoughts clear enough for my liking. So I didn't blog.

Here's where I'm at.

A while back I heard Pastor Greene make a good analogy for getting into the Word. He said something like, "Reading the Bible everyday won't always be glorious. Just like not every meal you have is a feast. But it will give you the nourishment you need throughout the day."
In the same manner, going without the Word, or Prayer, or reflection is like going without a meal. The longer you go without it, the less healthy you will be. And eventually you will die a spiritual death.

Now, I am one to go back and forth on a lot of things. Those who know me best can testify to this. I have a hard time being zealous for very long. This is true in many areas of my life. Especially my faith. I will go a month or two of being absolutely on fire for Christ, wanting to tell anyone and everyone the good news. It's quite an exciting time. But then I will put that on some sort of back-burner, and live my life based on myself. Which is when I do stupid things.

It all went around and around and around in circles for me pretty much since high school started. But in high school I had two morally upright best friends. Nathan and Jeff. They kept me from making too stupid a mistake. They were an enormous blessing.
However, going into college, they went away, and there was really nothing to replace them, or what they had done for me. I worked at CBS for a summer, and came back as zealous as ever. But I came back into a world without a community. Not one brother to stand by me the way that Nathan and Jeff did.
So I joined another community of friends. One that was focused on Christ. Or something like that. I don't blame them, they just weren't what I needed at the time. So I reached out to people, I just reached too far in the wrong places. I was pulled (by the world, and by my own sinful nature) into places I never intended to go.
This whole ordeal sent me into a depression. Depression for about 7 months. It wasn't an enjoyable time. Just before my second summer on Catalina, it was all at it's worst.
When on Catalina, I thought I had it all ironed out. The experience was awesome, but it was rough.
Coming back was interesting. I was zealous again. I had a good idea of what I needed to avoid. But I overlooked a lot. So I came back and made some crucial mistakes. And I didn't know where to go from there. I had to put a lot on pause in order to figure out my problems.

And that's where I'm at. It has definitely been an interesting journey thus far. But what I'm discovering more and more each day is that it all starts new each day.

Every morning I have the choice to give my day to God. That is, dedicate everything within it to Him, and let Him have the glory for it all. Or, I can choose to live for myself. This one is much easier to do. The world screams at us to get our attention, but God only whispers.

So my new routine is to wake up, read the Word, eat, and Pray. That way, to start the day, I may not have had a feast by heart, mind or stomach, but will continue to be nourished. And that's where it all begins.

A good tree will bear good fruit. But no good tree goes without good roots.

Eh.

Today I drove out into the country. Most of the roads around this town are familiar to me. But not the one I took today.
It was a road I drive almost everyday. But much further than I ever need to go. But today I needed to clear my head.

It was extremely windy. And the view of the mountains was clear from where I was driving. The clouds in the distance were the big fluffy type that everyone loves. It was an astounding view during the entirety of the drive.

I have no real point to what I'm saying. But I was more stressed before I went for that drive. It helped me relax.

Days like this make me love my Creator.